<TWL> The War Legends

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
>interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
>little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
>100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
>supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
>assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
>
>WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
>
>I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>button
>AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
>arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
>
>AWESOME!!!?
>
>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
>face of her microwave.??
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
>
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
>needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target
>
>I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
>and
>thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
>this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
>assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tee shirt with my reading glasses
>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
>taser in another.
>
>The di rections said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
>assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
>major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
>your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
>longer
>than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm
>looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch
>in
>circumference; pretty cute really a nd (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
>triple-A
>batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..? ?
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
>as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from
>such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
>myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
>naked thigh, pushed the button,?and??
>
>HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!??
>
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
>in
>the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
>over again.
>
>I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
>my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
>found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
>tingling in my legs?
>
>The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
>before,
>licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do
>it again!"??
>
>Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
>of
>caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself!
>
>You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
>violent thrashing about on the f loor.
>
>A three-second burst would be considered conservative??
>
>SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
>as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
>My
>triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
>like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for
>their safe return!! Still in shock!!
>
>P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!?
>
>"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.".

hitman wrote:omg that would not be good butt pc if u would i well go bay one if u well leit me use it on u lol